Tagged As: A-Fraud, baseball, steroids, Yankees, brett favre, Sports

Last weekend my spirit died a little bit as I caved and took my girlfriend to see He’s Just Not That Into You. Here’s the plot summary. The first two acts tell girls that they trick themselves into believing that every man they meet likes them, and then the third act betrays the first two as every female character becomes the exception to the rule.

Gaggles of teenage girls and desperate women were squealing toward the end and I had the urge to jab my plastic straw through my ocular cavity to damage enough of my brain to forget the gruesome two hours I had just witnessed. The only thing I could do was to try and apply the rules from the first two acts of the movie to the sports universe.

I figured that there were figures and franchises with hopes and dreams, but reality had no intention of making these pitiful figures whole. Still, these sad figures hold out and come up with excuses with as much fervor as a close-knit group of girlfriends.

The New York Jets and Brett Favre

The New York Jets welcomed Brett Favre like a girl her finally got the guy she fawned over since freshman year. The problem is that the relationship did not work, but the girl was so in love with the idea of “them” that she is unable to cope with the breakup.

The Jets knew deep down that this might be a short term rebound thing, but his eyes and his passes strayed as the season wore on. Favre’s nine interceptions in the last five games spoiled an 8-3 start, resulting in a 9-7 finish that kept the Jets out of the playoffs. Favre has moved on to retirement, but he may sleep around a little bit and consider coming back with the Minnesota Vikings or several other teams that are a decent quarterback away from a title.

Alex Rodriguez and the Evil Empire

A-Rod may not like to admit it, but the New York Yankees fan base were never sold on him. The front office bought him and moved him to third base. Fans were always suspicious of this, knowing that he was really a short stop and threatened the well being of their true love, Derek Jeter. It was that desperate attempt to be liked be everyone for the callous reason of being popular that did A-Fraud in.

The latest announcement that he used steroids only goes further to confirm New York’s feeling that he was trying too hard. Now A-Roid can be added to the long list of nicknames that includes Choke-Rod, Madonna’s-Rod, and many more disparaging names he is sure to hear for his next nine years in Yankee pinstripes.

Manny Ramirez and the Long Term Contract

Manny Ramirez single-handedly took the Los Angeles Dodgers to the MLB Playoffs in 2008. The problem is that Manny wants a long term contract. The Dodgers and every other team in the league do not to have that type of long term commitment. They just want to be bunk buddies for a little bit.

Ramirez has misleading girlfriend Scott Boras to blame for thinking that anybody wants him for the long haul. They are willing to take him for a little bit and lavish him with a one- to two-year contract worth a ludicrous amount of money, but that is as far as they are going to go. The faster Ramirez realizes that the sooner he can avoid becoming the cat lady who drowns her sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

The Truth and Bud Selig

Baseball fans have been yearning for the truth since the first hints of steroids became undeniably public. For me that was in 1996 when Orioles lead off man Brady Anderson hit 53 home runs after barely hitting more than 20 in the seven seasons prior. We became entranced by the promise of the truth after McGwire broke down and cried before Congress. The problem is that the executives in MLB, specifically Bud Selig, are the perpetual cheater who strings us along with the promise of change.

I think Selig became too enamored with the sale of MLB tickets after the home run chase between McGwire and Sosa in 1998. That publicity bonanza brought back fans that were still angry about the strike that killed the 1994 baseball season. So, he kept on promising a clean league but let Barry Bonds break the home run record and hid 2003 random test result that showed 104 players in a sample pool were using performance enhancing drugs. It still hurts and we still will not let this idea of the redemption of the truth go.

Terrell Owens and Tony Romo

Terrell Owens has to accept that he is just friends with Tony Romo. Owens through a fit that destroyed the team and accused tight end Jason Whitten of stealing Romo’s on the field affection from him. Never mind the fact that Owens has never had the surest hands in the league.

The public tiff was the last straw that broke the Dallas Cowboys back and took them out of the playoffs in embarrassing fashion in Week 17 (a humiliating 44-6 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, the only team between them and another first round exit). Now Owens has the choice he can accept a weird friendship with Romo or bolt and try and seduce another quarterback with promises of inflated passing numbers.

Defense and the New York Knicks

The New York Knicks defense is new the new divorcee with a bad therapist. The Knicks used to have a hot body in terms of NBA defense with the 1990s. They were brutal and nearly impossible to blow out, but time has had its effect and lazy years have made the team fat and unattractive.

They still have the whole “cougar with money” thing going for them, but Coach Mike D’Antoni has them indulging a little too much to seriously contend. The team needs to tighten up on the perimeter and in the lane before they can be considered hot again, even in the singles bar that is the Eastern Conference.

The Chicago Cubs and the World Series

If there has ever been an undeniable case of unrequited love it is in the confines of Wrigley Field every summer. The Chicago Cubs have done everything imaginable in the last few seasons. They have added pitching, they have added incredible hitting, and they have brought in an inspirational coach in Lou Piniella. They simply will never get beyond the first round in every new season of the bachelor in MLB.

The World Series just does not want the team. There is no other plausible explanation for 101 years of torment and teasing. I have no decent advice for them. Maybe they should call it quits, get together with the other desperate sports figures and take in an evening of ice cream, Sex and the City DVDs, and a trip to see He Just Not That Into You.