Tagged As: NFL, Super Bowl, Steelers, Cardinals, James Harrison, PETA Ad, Anquan Boldin

The Super Bowl is here this Sunday. My girlfriend is tired of listening to me talk about my man crush on Ben Roethlisberger (If I had said Big Ben she would not only be worried, but also wondering what I am doing in a relationship with her) and my utmost respect for Kurt Warner (if he does not get into the hall it will be a travesty). I decided to finally shut up about what I think will the truly most exciting game of the entire NFL season and make some predictions because I hold this belief that I am one day destined to be featured on Page 2 on ESPN.

The first prediction is not only the winner, but the final score:

Pittsburgh Steelers 31 – Arizona Cardinals 28.

The Pittsburgh Steelers will get the ball with a little over two minutes left be completely ineffective for the first three downs. Then Big Ben will avoid the impending hits by both defensive ends Antonio Smith and Travis LaBoy and hit reciever Hines Ward for a 30-plus play near the sidelines.

Roethlisberger will use a no huddle and throw some quick downs to Heath Miller sitting in the middle of the field and Santonio Holmes running a slant. In the end, Roethlisberger will pirouette in the pocket to avoid getting hit and flick a rocket to Miller in the end zone for the win. The kickoff to Steve Breaston will end the game as he makes it out to the 40 but the clock runs out.

I have five other predictions.

Prediction Number One:

Anquan Boldin will catch a pass one handed with a Woodley draped all over him and Polamalu will come in and pummel Boldin. The force of the hit will obliterate the unbroken side of his face. Boldin will go out shortly, but return with an iron mask hiding his disfigured face and still catch three more passes for 60 yards. No one will ever question his heart ever again.

Prediction Number Two:

Cardinals Coach Ken Whisenhunt will look back on his three years as the Steelers offensive coordinator and his experience with Big Ben as his quarterback and hire “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan to challenge Roethlisberger to a cage match on Saturday night at the 50-yard line at Raymonds James Stadium. The winner will be crowned Champion of the Wilderness Beard. Duggan will lose, but he will smash a 2x4 on Roethlisberger’s right shoulder.

Big Ben will play through the pain and brag about the wrestling title, prompting him to leave the NFL and join the WWE. There he will win the Royal Rumble with his signature move, the Super Bowl Smackdown, a move where he puts on his two Super Bowl rings and lands a devastating right hook that would even take down the Big Show.

Prediction Number Three:

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison will recognize a pitch to Edgerrin James to his side, find the hole, and hit James so hard he declares his retirement immediately after the play. The Cardinals play with a four reciever set the rest of the game.

Prediction Number Four:

Male audiences are confused by NBC’s decision to not air a racy PETA ad with models using various vegetables as phallic devices after they are forced to watch in horror as Vagisil has managed to secure time for three spots.

A spokeswoman for the feminine hygiene product will state that the company figured that the nation’s girlfriends are forced too watch the game and only really care about the commercials, so the company so it as a chance to reach its key demographic.

The nation’s boyfriends respond, “Oh my god honey. Is there something I should know about your vagina?”

The boyfriends are not so upset about missing the PETA ad because they watched it here on this blog.

Prediction Number Five:

John Madden talks through most of the game and mentions Kurt Warner’s age, 37, more than two dozen times, using each time to segue into a rant about the greatness of Brett Favre and how he is perhaps the best, ageless quarterback in the NFL now and ever.

While Madden is professing his love for Favre, Warner throws two 60 yard strikes to Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald in double coverage. Madden, unfazed, then talks about the incredible spread NBC provided before the game.

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